NEW YORK—To cope with the developing controversy surrounding significant non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters ought to be interpreted as encouragement of drug abuse. “This groundless speculation that we by hook or by crook assist the exercise of drug abuse has no foundation in reality. Pfizer is within the commercial enterprise of helping humans. It’s actually outrageous to imply otherwise,” stated Pfizer spokesperson Mallory Choi, explaining that the agency’s packaging of fentanyl with a cooking spoon, lighter, and a rubber tube changed into actually a remember of comfort for those who want to experience the artificial opioid recreationally. It must in no way be interpreted as reputable approval of drug abuse via the corporation as a whole.
“If human beings pick to abuse this vital medicine, that’s their prerogative. It’s outrageous to suppose that we would willingly encourage drug addiction amongst our clients simply because the product’s packaging consists of step-with the aid of step instructions for frivolously warmth the spoon. Such implications are genuinely preposterous abdications of the very concept of private responsibility.” Choi refused to comment on the $ forty-five million tax refund Pfizer received at the spoons and lighters in 2018 when it claimed the branded accouterments as an advertising rate.
There were greater than forty-eight billion robocalls across the united states of America in 2018, a nearly 50% increase from the previous year, persevering with an irritating exercise that’s persevered for many years. The Onion looks returned on the records of robocalls.
Telegraphs begin receiving the primary robocalls, random bursts of electrical impulse resulting from moles chewing through wires underground.
Alexander Graham Bell claims to be from the IRS and tells his assistant Watson that he owes $50,000 in returned taxes that ought to be paid immediately.
The creation of the Federal Communications Commission establishes a business enterprise dedicated to ignoring telecommunications regulations.
The invention of Caller ID finally allows people to differentiate among calls from robots they don’t want to reply to and calls from the circle of relatives participants they don’t want to answer.
MORRISTOWN, AZ—Pouring into the streets to rejoice the passing of the viral internet sensation, the complete global populace let out a cheer upon learning Grumpy Cat and her shitty mindset had ultimately died and could stay dead for all time, assets showed Friday. “Thank God we don’t ought to address that asshole cat and her reign of negativity anymore,” stated Cleveland-place social media person Candice Butler, considered one of 7. Three billion folks who reportedly began to smile and stroll with a chunk extra pep in their step as quickly as the loathed pussycat—recognised for continually sulking and bringing every person down—were showed lifelessly.
“For years, Grumpy Cat has shown up anywhere online, poisoning our lives along with her bitter disposition and making us feel stupid for liking whatever. Who changed into she to be so whiny and cynical about the world? She made thousands and thousands of bucks simply by sitting there and glowering. I’m relieved I’ll by no means must see her silly shit-eating frown ever once more. Good fucking riddance.” At press time, reports indicated that thousands had been coated upon the neighborhood puppy cemetery in which Grumpy Cat has been interred, each waiting for their turn to piss on her grave.